Uber Frugal Week Day 5: Get On The Same Financial Page With Your Partner ASAP

If you have a partner, you’re spending A LOT more time together in A LOT less space these days. You’re also worrying about A LOT more right now: the coronavirus, how long isolation will last, and–if I may project–your money. I can’t help with the first two, but I’ll do my best with the money thing. It’s always good to be on the same financial page as your partner/spouse, but WOW is it crucial right now.

Unemployment is at a record high, the stock market is all over the place, businesses are going bankrupt, and the economy is not in a good place, to put it mildly. We cannot control any of that, but we can control our household finances.

Even if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it’s possible you’ve never had to address your finances during a state of crisis. Unfortunately, the time is now. If you’re single and the below doesn’t apply to you, please consider sharing this post with a friend or family member who might benefit.

Uber Frugal Week: Day 5

Welcome to Day 5 of my pandemic-inspired, what-do-I-do-with-my-money Uber Frugal Week series. For more about the series, including an overview of what I’ll cover each day, check this out. I recommend you read the series in order; start with Day 1 here. Read disclaimers about me and the series here.

So far in the series I’ve covered:

While the Uber Frugal Month is an email program, the Uber Frugal Week appears right here on the blog in a series of posts. I’ll publish Uber Frugal Week posts as quickly as I can but, in all honesty, I haven’t written all of them yet because pandemic means both of my kids are home all the time and my husband and I are both working from home. I’m writing as fast as I can, I promise!

Day 5: A Series of Exercises (hint: you’ll need a computer/paper and pen)

Today’s approach is one of asking questions, writing down answers, and listening. In other words, exercises! Don’t feel like you have to do all of this in one day and skip anything that doesn’t apply to you. If your marriage/partnership is on the brink of catastrophe, please seek out a licensed therapist. There are lots of therapists offering online sessions right now and I strongly encourage you to make an appointment. After all, therapy is A LOT cheaper than divorce, and one of the leading causes of divorce in the US is disagreement over money. So don’t minimize your feelings: seek the help you need and don’t feel bad for what it costs.

I’ve put together the following exercises to help you and your partner figure out how to get on the same financial page. Hint: this stuff applies in non-pandemic times as well. Get out some paper/open up a shared Google Doc and get started!

Step 1: Have “Real Conversations” About Your Money at Mutually Convenient Times

After having kids, my husband and I discovered there’s a difference between “Real Conversations” and “Really Fast Talking While The Kids Scream Over Us.” We employ the latter for non-confrontational, easy topics such as who will water the garden, if anyone found a mouse in the trap in the Prius, and when the baby’s diaper was last changed. We do not attempt serious or in-depth conversations while the kids circle our legs like wild animals on the prowl for parental attention.

If a conversation is longer than a bullet point, we save it for after the kids are in bed.

Whatever your household circumstances, agree on a time of day when you can sit down together and have an equal opportunity to discuss, think, and respond. Don’t pounce on your partner while they’re trying to cook dinner or saw down a tree.

Respect what you and your partner need in order to have a real conversation: do you need to eat first? Do you need to have your computer open to take notes? This sounds elementary, but I’ve learned that establishing the right time and environment for a conversation allows everyone to come with a proactive, productive mindset.

If you cannot carve out time alone together to talk, try emailing back and forth. This way, you each have a chance to put your ideas into words and respond with respect and thoughtfulness.

Step 2: Work to Understand Your Partner’s Financial Background (and your own!)

Everyone approaches money differently and often, your approach is a product of your childhood. How money was handled by your parents is likely to inform your attitude about how to handle money as an adult.

For example: I’ve heard from folks who grew up in a financially insecure home where they were aware–as children–that their parents didn’t have enough money to provide for the family. For some people, this results in a desire to save and hoard money to ensure they always have enough. For other people, this upbringing results in a desire to spend and treat themselves because they grew up with constant deprivation. Same upbringing, very different manifestations in adulthood.

Understanding your financial background, as well as your partner’s, will help you determine WHY you each approach money the way you do.

Instead of being angry at your husband for spending lavishly on new toys for the kids, work together to discern WHY he feels this is the right response when he knows you’ve just lost your job. Anger and blame rarely work to change someone’s behavior; but understanding their point of view might.

I find going through series of questions and answers with my husband extremely enlightening. We’ve been married for twelve years and we STILL learn new things about each other.

Approaching this with an open mind and a willingness to listen and learn might help you understand the root of your financial mindsets. From there, you can discuss how to bring yourselves into closer alignment. Don’t approach this exercise as a route to changing the other person–rather, seek to listen and understand their viewpoint.

Identify the Disconnect

After going through these questions together, write down what’s getting in the way of being on the same page. What’s stopping you from feeling like you can trust each other from a financial perspective? Articulate how your viewpoints on money differ and how they’re similar. This isn’t a time to identify who is right or wrong, it’s an opportunity to let each person state their feelings and receive validation for their opinions. Seek to understand, not to change.

Step 3: Commit to Being on the Same Team and Set Goals Together

Whatever your financial differences are, try to get to a place of agreeing that you’re on the same team. A good way to accomplish this is to set goals together. If you and your partner can identify several shared financial goals, you can then work together on how to achieve them.

These don’t have to be lofty, long-term goals, they can be as simple as agreeing that you both want to have enough money to cover all of your bills next month. Or, they can be goals about where you want to be as a family in ten years. Either approach works. The more specific you make each goal, the more likely you are to achieve it.

Here are a few examples to get you started:

Goal #1: We agree that we want to save up an emergency fund of $500.

Goal #2: We agree that we want to check-in with each other before making purchases greater than $50.

Goal #3: We agree that we need to spend less money on take-out and delivery meals every month.

After you’ve set your shared goals, write down the tactics for how you’ll achieve these goals:

Goal #1: We agree that we want to save up an emergency fund of $500.

• Tactic: We’re going to comb through our monthly expenses and decide together which things we can eliminate, reduce, or find substitutions for (here’s a guide on how to do that).

Goal #2: We agree that we want to check-in with each other before making purchases greater than $50.

• Tactic: We’re going to text each other the item, dollar amount, and rationale for purchase. We will either reply “yes” by text or have a longer conversation if it’s a “no.”

Goal #3: We agree that we need to spend less money on take-out and delivery meals every month.

Any goals are fine!

As my examples illustrate, you can set simple, daily goals or bigger, more challenging long-term goals. The point is that you and your partner are bringing yourselves into closer alignment on what you see as the financial priorities for your family. If that feels too overwhelming, you could start with just one goal:

We agree to stop fighting about money and to instead have open, respectful conversations about our finances.

Step 4: Identify A “Team Lead” for Managing Finances

In many partnerships, particularly when finances are joint, one person is the team lead on household finances. My husband and I really like the “team lead” approach and use it for almost everything. It enables us to divide responsibilities equally and erases arguments/confusion over who will do what. The team lead is responsible for planning and execution and it’s the team lead’s responsibility to ask for help if needed.

Here are a few non-financial examples to illustrate how the team lead format plays out in our house:

• My husband is the team lead on cooking. It’s his job to menu plan, source recipes, grocery shop, and cook food. I don’t feel the need to ask him about his plans for dinner because I know he’ll let me know if he needs my help or input.
• 

  Co-team leads for clearing that table

  For us, the team lead format removes stress and blame because we’re extremely clear on who is in charge of what.

• We find that it works really well for childcare because we trade off watching the kids while the other parent works. Whoever is watching the kids is the team lead on childcare at that time: their decisions (on activities, snacks, discipline, etc) are final and the other parent doesn’t interfere unless their help is specifically requested.
• Utilizing the team lead approach is liberating, but it also necessitates that we each surrender control in the areas where we’re not team leader.
• I love this because I don’t want to think about menu planning or groceries. My husband loves this because he does not want to think about doing laundry. My decisions on how and when to do laundry are final; his decisions on what and when to cook are final.
• We still discuss preferences with one another, but it removes the temptation to micromanage one another’s tasks. My husband asks me what I want him to cook and we discuss past recipes we’ve enjoyed; I ask him what he needs me to throw in the laundry, but the tactics and execution steps are the responsibility of the team lead.

The team lead bears responsibility for communicating to the team member and, again, specifically requesting their help and input as needed. In the context of finances, a team lead bears the responsibility for sharing information, explaining as needed, and respecting the input and choices of the team member. The team lead is not a dictator, they’re a middle manager independently completing their agreed-upon assigned tasks.

With finances, it’s crucial both partners know where all the money is kept, what the accounts are called, what they’re for, and how to access them (passwords, etc). Withholding that information is form of financial abuse.

It’s not ok to make financial decisions that exclude the other person. Open communication, shared goals, and mutual access to all money is mandatory. However, day-to-day items such as paying the water bill can be designated as the team leader’s job.

Alternately, you might prefer to divvy up financial responsibilities and have one person in charge of investments, one person in charge of expense tracking, etc. Just make sure you’re clear on who is doing what so you’re not duplicating efforts.

As an addendum for families with kids, we’ve started to assign our daughters their own “team lead” roles. The goal is to get them to understand how everyone in the household helps out and how their individual contributions are important. Since they’re two and four, here’s what their jobs are:

• Kidwoods (age 4) is in charge of taking everyone’s (full!!) breakfast bowls and cups to the table every morning.
• Both girls are in change of clearing their plates from the table after meals and wiping the table off with a wet rag.
• Both girls are in charge of putting their dirty clothes into the laundry hamper.
• Both girls have to clean up all of their toys, books, and art supplies every evening.
• Kidwoods (age 4) has to clean up her bedroom before coming downstairs every morning.
• I experimented with having them load and empty the dishwasher but, as it turns out, we don’t have enough extra dishes to justify how many were broken… so we’ll wait another year on that.
• Beyond the little jobs they’re required to do independently every day, they also help with cooking, gardening, cleaning and laundry (with varying degrees of success… )

Bottom line: having a team lead assigned to each household task ensures everything gets done and helps eliminate resentment and anger. If you’re craving more equality in your partnership, consider employing the team lead approach.

Step 5: Take the (free) Uber Frugal Month Challenge Together

Sign-up to take my free, 31-day money challenge and discuss each day’s exercises and questions together. This challenge tackles the mechanics of managing money and the emotional relationship we all have with our finances.

The Uber Frugal Month is designed to fundamentally change how you view money and help you better understand your relationship with money.

Taking the challenge together is an ideal way to strike at the core of your disagreements and differing viewpoints surrounding your money.

It’s free, it happens over email, and you can sign-up any time here: Uber Frugal Month: The Ultimate Guide To Saving More Money Than You Ever Thought Possible

Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence Resources

Unfortunately, home is not a safe place for everyone and experts predicted–and now report–surges in domestic violence due to stay-at-home orders. If you know someone in an unsafe relationship, please reach out to them. If you feel unsafe at home, please seek help. Domestic violence resource centers are operating during the coronavirus and they are there to help you figure out a strategy for safety.

Here are several resources:

Day 5 Summary:

1. Find a mutually convenient time to have “Real Conversations” about your finances.
2. Commit to being on the same financial team.
3. Set shared goals and identify how you’ll achieve those goals. Be as specific as possible.
4. Work to understand your financial background and your partner’s financial background. Identify the root of how you both relate to money. Use these questions as a starting point.
5. Identify a “Team Lead” for managing your household finances and outline the responsibilities of both the Team Lead and the Team Member.
6. Take the free, 31-day Uber Frugal Month email program together and discuss each day’s exercises and action items. Sign-up at any time here.

What questions do you have about Day 5?

Here’s the link to the next post in the series: Day 6

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